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Many people come to therapy because they are tired of repeating the same patterns. They know what they want to do differently, but somehow find themselves ending up in the same place. Whether that involves procrastination, impulsive decisions, emotional reactions, people-pleasing, or difficulties in relationships, understanding executive functioning can be an important first step.

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Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Don’t Want to Do?

You know the feeling.

You leave a conversation and immediately think of everything you wish you had said.

You promise yourself you’ll start that important task earlier next time, only to find yourself rushing at the last minute again.

You react emotionally, interrupt someone, spend money you didn’t intend to spend, or agree to something you didn’t really want to do. Afterwards, you can see exactly what happened. In the moment, however, it felt almost automatic.

Many people with ADHD and autism describe this experience. They know a behaviour isn’t helping them. They often understand the consequences. They may even be able to explain exactly why they do it once the situation has passed.

The challenge is recognising what is happening whilst it is happening.

This is where self-monitoring comes in.

Whilst working memory and emotional regulation often receive more attention, self-monitoring is one of the executive functions that underpins our ability to understand ourselves, notice patterns, and make meaningful changes.

What Is Self-Monitoring?

Simon describes self-monitoring as:

“The ability to observe and evaluate your thoughts, behaviours, urges and actions. It’s about being able to have insight in the moment into our experience and actions.”

Self-monitoring is a category of self-awareness. It allows us to step back and notice what is happening internally rather than simply reacting automatically to whatever we are experiencing.

When self-monitoring is working well, we can often recognise thoughts, emotions, urges, and behaviours before they fully take over. We notice ourselves becoming frustrated before we snap at someone. We recognise anxiety before it spirals. We become aware that we are avoiding a task because it feels overwhelming rather than convincing ourselves we simply can’t be bothered.

Without self-monitoring, these experiences can happen on autopilot.

We act first and understand later.

Why Self-Monitoring Can Be Difficult in ADHD and Autism

For neurodivergent people, self-monitoring can sometimes be more challenging because so much mental energy is already being used elsewhere.

For ADHDers, attention regulation and impulsivity can make it difficult to pause long enough to notice what is happening internally. A thought, emotion, distraction or urge can move so quickly that behaviour happens before awareness has fully caught up.

Many ADHD clients describe a familiar cycle. They interrupt somebody, react emotionally, spend impulsively, or procrastinate on an important task. Afterwards, they understand exactly what happened and often become highly self-critical about it.

Autistic people may experience self-monitoring challenges differently. Sensory processing, social communication demands, uncertainty, masking, and emotional processing can all consume significant cognitive resources. Some autistic people may also experience alexithymia, making it harder to identify and describe emotions.

This doesn’t mean emotions are absent. Quite the opposite.

Often emotions are experienced deeply, but recognising and naming them can take longer.

As a result, someone may only realise they are stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or exhausted once they are already approaching shutdown, burnout or emotional dysregulation.

The Link Between Self-Monitoring and Self-Blame

One of the reasons self-monitoring matters so much is because difficulties in this area can easily lead to self-blame.

Simon notes that if we are less developed in self-monitoring, we may often find that we act impulsively without knowing why and become stuck in patterns of self-blame where we engage in ineffective behaviours and then berate ourselves for doing them again.

This is something we see regularly in counselling.

A person tells themselves:

“Why do I keep doing this?”

“I should know better by now.”

“Everyone else seems able to manage this.”

“What’s wrong with me?”

The problem is that shame rarely improves self-awareness.

In fact, self-criticism often pushes us further away from understanding ourselves.

If we are constantly judging our experiences, it becomes harder to observe them clearly.

Self-monitoring asks us to become curious rather than critical.

Instead of asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

We begin asking:

“What was happening for me in that moment?”

That small shift can make an enormous difference.

If We Don’t Know What We Are Experiencing

One of the most important ideas in Simon’s original article is incredibly simple:

“If we don’t know what we are experiencing, we won’t have control over it.”

This sits at the heart of self-monitoring.

Before we can manage an emotion, we need to recognise it.

Before we can challenge a thought, we need to notice that we are having it.

Before we can make a different choice, we need to become aware that a choice exists.

Many people spend years trying to change behaviours without understanding the thoughts, emotions, fears or needs that sit underneath them.

They focus on the behaviour itself whilst remaining disconnected from the experience driving it.

Greater awareness creates greater opportunity for change.

Without awareness, we often continue repeating patterns whilst wondering why nothing seems to improve.

Feeling Stuck in the Same Patterns?

Understanding yourself is often the first step towards meaningful change. Counselling can help you explore recurring behaviours, emotional reactions, relationship dynamics and executive functioning challenges in a supportive and non-judgemental space.

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Mindfulness Is More Than Sitting Still

When people hear the word mindfulness, they often imagine sitting cross-legged in silence trying not to think.

Many neurodivergent people immediately conclude that mindfulness is not for them.

Fortunately, mindfulness is much broader than that.

As Simon explains, there are various approaches to mindfulness that are not simply sitting meditations. These approaches can help us become aware of our feelings and thoughts as an observer rather than reacting automatically to them.

Mindfulness is really about paying attention.

It is noticing what is happening inside us.

It might involve recognising tension in our shoulders before we realise we are anxious. It might involve noticing that our mood has shifted after a difficult interaction. It might mean becoming aware of an urge to avoid something uncomfortable.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is awareness.

Learning to Observe Thoughts Rather Than Become Them

Both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) use approaches that can strengthen self-monitoring.

Simon highlights techniques such as Cognitive Defusion and Mental Noting, which encourage us to observe our thoughts rather than immediately identifying with them.

The distinction may sound subtle, but it can be powerful.

Instead of saying:

“I am angry.”

We might say:

“I am experiencing a feeling of anger.”

Instead of saying:

“I am worthless.”

We might recognise:

“I am experiencing a thought that I am worthless when I think about how my last work shift didn’t go well.”

The purpose of this is not to deny difficult emotions or thoughts.

It is to create enough distance that we can observe them rather than become completely consumed by them.

When we see thoughts as thoughts and emotions as emotions, they often become easier to understand and manage.

Practising Self-Awareness Before Difficulties Arise

One of Simon’s most important observations is that self-monitoring is something we can practise before we need it.

As he explains:

“The idea behind this is that in practising self-awareness outside of difficulties, we can gain awareness before we do ineffective behaviours.”

Many people only try to become self-aware when they are already overwhelmed. By that point, emotions, urges or stress responses may already be running the show.

Developing self-awareness during calmer moments can make it easier to access when life becomes more challenging.

This might involve checking in with yourself throughout the day, noticing emotional shifts, reflecting on patterns, or simply becoming more curious about your experiences.

Struggling With Executive Functioning Challenges?

Whether you’re navigating ADHD, autism, anxiety, emotional regulation difficulties or executive functioning challenges, support is available.

At Hope Therapy & Counselling Services, we work with adults, young people, couples and families across the UK, offering both online and face-to-face counselling.

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