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Living with executive functioning difficulties can be exhausting, particularly when you know what you want to do but repeatedly find yourself doing something else. Many people with ADHD and autism spend years being criticised for impulsive behaviours without ever being helped to understand what sits underneath them.

At Hope Therapy & Counselling Services, we provide neuroaffirming counselling that helps people better understand their executive functioning, build self-awareness and develop practical strategies that work with their brain rather than against it.

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Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Know I Shouldn’t Do?

One of the most frustrating experiences for many neurodivergent people is knowing exactly what they should do and still struggling to do it.

You may know you need to start an important piece of work, but find yourself scrolling social media instead. You may have every intention of listening carefully in a conversation, only to interrupt because you’re worried you’ll forget what you wanted to say. You might be trying to save money, improve your diet or develop healthier habits, yet find yourself making choices that seem to go against your own goals.

When this happens repeatedly, it is easy to become critical of yourself.

Many people begin telling themselves they are lazy, irresponsible, selfish or lacking discipline. However, from an executive functioning perspective, there is often something much more complex happening.

One of the executive functions that can influence these experiences is inhibition and impulse control.

What Is Self-Monitoring?

Simon describes self-monitoring as:

“The ability to observe and evaluate your thoughts, behaviours, urges and actions. It’s about being able to have insight in the moment into our experience and actions.”

Self-monitoring is a category of self-awareness. It allows us to step back and notice what is happening internally rather than simply reacting automatically to whatever we are experiencing.

When self-monitoring is working well, we can often recognise thoughts, emotions, urges, and behaviours before they fully take over. We notice ourselves becoming frustrated before we snap at someone. We recognise anxiety before it spirals. We become aware that we are avoiding a task because it feels overwhelming rather than convincing ourselves we simply can’t be bothered.

Without self-monitoring, these experiences can happen on autopilot.

We act first and understand later.

What Is Impulse Control?

Simon describes this executive function as:

“The ability to hold back from ineffective or impulsive behaviours. The skill of delayed gratification.”

Delayed gratification sounds simple when we say it out loud. Most people understand the concept of choosing a long-term reward over a short-term one. In reality, however, this can be incredibly difficult when executive functioning challenges are involved.

Impulse control is not simply about resisting temptation. It is about creating enough space between an urge and an action that we can make a conscious choice.

When this executive function is working well, we are better able to pause, reflect and consider consequences before acting.

When it becomes more challenging, behaviour can feel automatic. We often understand what happened afterwards, but struggle to access that awareness in the moment.

Impulse Control Is About More Than Willpower

One of the biggest misconceptions around impulsivity is that it reflects a lack of willpower.

Many people spend years trying harder, being stricter with themselves, or criticising themselves for not having enough self-control. Unfortunately, this approach often creates more shame than change.

In Simon’s original article, he reflects on his experience running groups for people recovering from substance misuse and notes that one of the principles they would often discuss was never relying on willpower because it is a fragile thing that tends to fail. Instead, the focus was on understanding the triggers behind behaviours and finding ways to avoid them, manage them or leave situations where they become overwhelming.

This is an important shift in perspective.

If someone is constantly relying on willpower alone, they are likely to struggle eventually. Human beings become tired, stressed, overwhelmed and distracted. Executive functioning difficulties can make those challenges even greater.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t I control myself?”, it is often more useful to ask:

“What is making this behaviour difficult to resist?”

That question opens the door to understanding.

How Impulsivity Can Show Up in Everyday Life

When people hear the word impulsivity, they often think about extreme behaviours.

Whilst impulse control difficulties can sometimes contribute to significant risk-taking behaviours, they are just as likely to show up in ordinary day-to-day situations.

Simon notes that problems with inhibition can place us at risk of dopamine-seeking behaviours. At the more extreme end, this might involve substance misuse, risky sexual encounters or activities that involve significant risk-taking. At a lower level, however, many people experience impulse control difficulties through procrastination, social media use, emotional reactions, spending habits or struggling to stick with tasks that do not immediately feel rewarding.

For many ADHDers, this might look like sitting down to complete an important task and somehow finding themselves watching videos, cleaning the kitchen, researching a completely unrelated topic or scrolling social media.

The intention was there.

The motivation may even have been there.

Yet something more immediately stimulating captured attention.

Similarly, impulse control can affect communication. Simon highlights that listening can sometimes become difficult because if we want to say something, we may feel we need to say it immediately or risk forgetting it altogether. Working memory and impulse control often overlap in this way.

Many neurodivergent people recognise this experience. The interruption is rarely intended to be rude. More often, it comes from a genuine fear that the thought will disappear if it is not expressed immediately.

Impulse Control in ADHD

ADHD is often associated with impulsivity because of how it affects executive functioning, attention regulation and reward processing.

Many ADHD brains are interest-led rather than importance-led.

This means that a task can be extremely important and still feel almost impossible to start if it does not provide enough stimulation, novelty, challenge or urgency.

At the same time, activities that offer immediate reward can become incredibly difficult to resist.

This is one reason why many ADHDers become frustrated when people suggest that they simply need more self-discipline. The issue is rarely a lack of understanding. Most people know exactly what they should be doing.

The challenge lies in regulating attention and behaviour consistently enough to follow through.

When viewed through this lens, impulsivity becomes less about character and more about executive functioning.

Impulse Control in Autism

Although impulsivity is often discussed in relation to ADHD, autistic people can experience impulse control difficulties as well.

For some autistic people, impulsive behaviours may occur during periods of emotional overwhelm, sensory overload or heightened stress. When the nervous system is already working hard to process information, executive functioning resources can become stretched.

Autistic people may also experience intense interests, emotional reactions or difficulties managing uncertainty. During these moments, creating a pause between feeling and acting can become much more difficult.

This is why understanding context matters.

The same behaviour can have very different causes depending on the individual.

Rather than focusing solely on the behaviour itself, it is often more helpful to explore what was happening underneath it.

Struggling With Impulsive Behaviours?

Many people come to counselling feeling frustrated by patterns they seem unable to break. Understanding the executive functioning challenges beneath those patterns can be the first step towards meaningful change.

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Understanding Triggers Rather Than Fighting Yourself

One of the most practical pieces of advice Simon offers is to focus on triggers rather than relying on willpower.

When we understand what leads to an impulsive behaviour, we gain opportunities to intervene earlier.

For example, someone who struggles with emotional spending may notice that loneliness increases the urge to shop online.

Someone who procrastinates may realise that uncertainty, perfectionism or fear of failure makes it difficult to begin tasks.

Someone who repeatedly loses focus at work may discover that fatigue and stress significantly increase distraction.

Without awareness of these triggers, we often end up fighting ourselves.

With awareness, we can start making adjustments that support us rather than constantly battling against our own brain.

Alternative Behaviours and Harm Reduction

Another point Simon makes is that if someone is acting on difficult urges, it can sometimes be useful to consider alternative behaviours that reduce harm whilst still addressing some of the need underneath the urge.

This is an approach commonly used within counselling and psychological therapies.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is progress.

Many people become trapped in all-or-nothing thinking where they believe they must completely eliminate a behaviour immediately. When this proves difficult, they view themselves as having failed.

A more compassionate approach recognises that change often happens gradually.

Building awareness, reducing harm and developing healthier alternatives can all be meaningful steps forward.

How Therapy Can Help

Many people seek therapy because they are exhausted by the cycle of impulsive behaviour followed by guilt, regret and self-criticism.

Counselling provides an opportunity to understand what is happening beneath those behaviours.

Rather than simply focusing on stopping an action, therapy can help explore the emotions, triggers, beliefs and executive functioning difficulties that contribute to it.

Why People Choose Hope

✓ Neuroaffirming Approach
✓ ADHD & Autism-Informed Therapists
✓ Online and In-Person Counselling
✓ Couples, Family and Individual Therapy
✓ Nationwide UK Service