Domestic Abuse, Coercive Control and Exploitation — Counselling for Survivors

Domestic abuse is any incident of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members — regardless of gender or sexuality. It is far broader than physical harm alone, and includes emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse.

The UK Domestic Abuse Act 2021 formally recognises the breadth of this definition. It includes not just what happens in isolated incidents, but patterns of behaviour — the accumulation of control, fear, and harm over time. Abuse does not need to leave visible marks to be real.

The types of domestic abuse include:

• Physical abuse — hitting, pushing, restraining, or any other physical harm or threat
• Emotional and psychological abuse — humiliation, threats, intimidation, controlling behaviour, manipulation, and gaslighting
• Sexual abuse — any sexual act carried out without full and ongoing consent
• Financial abuse — controlling access to money, preventing employment, accumulating debt in a partner’s name; see our dedicated financial abuse counselling page
• Coercive and controlling behaviour — a pattern of acts designed to make a person dependent or subordinate, isolate them, deprive them of resources, and regulate their everyday behaviour

Domestic abuse affects people of all backgrounds, genders, ages, and orientations. It is not caused by alcohol, stress, or the victim’s behaviour — it is caused by the perpetrator’s choice to use power and control.

Exploitative relationships involve one person systematically using another — their vulnerabilities, emotional labour, resources, or time — for their own benefit, without genuine reciprocity or care. Exploitation does not always look like obvious abuse; it can develop gradually, making it hard to identify until the pattern is well established.

Common features of exploitative relationships include:

• One person consistently giving — emotionally, financially, or practically — with little or nothing returned
• Gaslighting — having your perceptions, feelings, or memories consistently denied or reframed
• Emotional manipulation — guilt, shame, or obligation used to control your behaviour
• A sense that you are always responsible for managing the other person’s emotions or wellbeing
• Feeling trapped, exhausted, or diminished — but finding it difficult to leave

Exploitation overlaps significantly with narcissistic abuse and coercive control, and the psychological impact can be just as lasting. You can read more about these overlapping patterns on our narcissistic abuse counselling page.

The effects of domestic abuse extend far beyond the incidents themselves. Living with sustained threat, control, or unpredictability changes the nervous system — and these changes do not simply disappear when the relationship ends.

Survivors of domestic abuse commonly experience:

• PTSD or complex PTSD — intrusive memories, flashbacks, hypervigilance, emotional numbing
• Anxiety and depression — often shaped by years of unpredictability and fear
• Profound self-doubt — having internalised years of blame, criticism, and gaslighting
• Difficulty trusting others — including new partners, friends, and professionals
• Shame and self-blame — a belief that the abuse was somehow deserved or caused by the survivor’s own behaviour
• Physical symptoms — sleep disturbance, chronic pain, or other somatic responses to prolonged stress

These effects are not signs of weakness. They are the predictable psychological consequences of sustained harm. Understanding this — and being understood by a therapist who knows it — is itself part of how healing begins. For more on trauma responses, see our pages on complex PTSD counselling and PTSD and trauma.