When Lies Become a Habit: Understanding Compulsive Lying in Relationships

As a counsellor, I’ve had the privilege of sitting with many couples and individuals grappling with the complexities of human relationships. One issue that often surfaces, and can be particularly painful, is compulsive lying. It’s not just the lies themselves that hurt—it’s the erosion of trust, the confusion, and the doubt that creeps into every corner of the relationship. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship where lying has become a regular occurrence, or if you’ve noticed that you’re the one telling these lies, I want to offer some insights and, importantly, some hope.

What is Compulsive Lying?

Compulsive lying, sometimes known as mythomania, is more than just an occasional fib. It’s a pattern of dishonesty that can become almost automatic. For some, these lies may seem trivial, like embellishing a story or exaggerating an achievement. For others, the lies can be more significant, involving intricate fabrications that can shake the very foundations of a relationship.

But here’s what’s crucial to understand: compulsive lying is often not about malicious intent. Many who lie compulsively do so because of deep-seated issues—perhaps stemming from past traumas, low self-esteem, or an intense fear of being judged or rejected. Sometimes, the individual may not even be fully aware of why they’re lying or that they’re doing it at all.

The Impact on Relationships

If you’re in a relationship with someone who lies compulsively, I don’t need to tell you how painful it can be. You might find yourself questioning everything—wondering if what they said last week, last month, or even this morning was true. It’s exhausting, and it can make you feel isolated, as though you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

And if you’re the one who struggles with compulsive lying, you’re probably feeling trapped in your own behaviour, torn between the person you want to be and the person your lies have made you. The shame and guilt can be overwhelming, and you might feel like there’s no way out.

How Counselling Can Help

The good news is that this cycle of deceit can be broken, and counselling can play a pivotal role in that process. The first step is recognising the problem, which is often the hardest part. Admitting that there’s an issue, whether it’s your own or your partner’s, takes immense courage.

In therapy, we work to uncover the underlying reasons for the lying. Often, these reasons are deeply rooted in the individual’s past experiences and emotional wounds. For instance, someone might have learned to lie as a way of coping with a harsh or critical environment during childhood. By understanding where these behaviours come from, we can begin to address them in a meaningful way.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in helping individuals who struggle with compulsive lying. It’s about identifying those unhelpful thought patterns that lead to lying and gradually replacing them with healthier ways of thinking and communicating. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a worthwhile one.

For couples, counselling offers a space to rebuild trust—brick by brick. It’s about creating a new foundation, where honesty is valued and both partners feel heard and understood. It takes time, and it takes effort from both sides. But with the right support, it’s absolutely possible.

Moving Forward Together

Healing from the effects of compulsive lying isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process—a journey that both partners need to be committed to. If you’re the one who’s been lied to, it’s important to protect your own emotional wellbeing while also being open to the possibility of rebuilding trust. And if you’re the one who’s been lying, it’s about taking responsibility, being honest with yourself and your partner, and doing the hard work to change.

There will be setbacks along the way, and that’s okay. What matters is the willingness to keep moving forward, to keep choosing honesty over deceit, and to keep believing in the possibility of a relationship built on trust.

Final Thoughts on Compulsive Lying in Relationships

Compulsive lying can feel like a storm that won’t pass, but with the right approach, it is something that can be managed and even overcome. If you’re struggling, whether as the liar or the one being lied to, know that you don’t have to go through this alone. Counselling can provide the guidance and support you need to heal and to rediscover the trust and honesty that every relationship deserves.

If you feel like this resonates with you, please reach out. There is always a way forward, even when it seems impossible.

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